Love Sucks

Once in a while, because of my dysfunction ( inabillity to like people) I rarely meet someone I actually like.  This suits me fine. I love being occupied wth things that bring me joy.  Like writing and staring at the ocean, and laughing at funny things.  Somehow a shift occured in the Cosmos.  Men happened.   Opposites attracted.  I fell into a synchronistic pothole and got covered in love slime.

I was contemplating my plight today beneath the covers of my well-meaning bed.  Another hero, in my imagination, flew down from the heavens and plunged to his doom.  I had crowned another champion on the pedalstool of my heart and was devastated to discover the reality of the situation.  He was but a mere mortal.  A unique cluster of problems and mysteries endemic to him, and his priorities didnt intersect with mine, or with me, or my childish musings (His exact words).  Another hero bit the dust.

So I was numbstruck this afternoon.  Clueless, again, staring off into space.  An impatient thought entered my mind.   Love sucks.  This really sucks. Especially if you have to write the whole day off to recover, I mean I can't keep doing this.  So I began to think out of the box and posed the question why?

Could these crazy illogical feelings have thier place in some divine plan?  Am I attracted to these individuals to show me a mirror reflection of me?  I hope not, because it looks bleak.  Are they leading me further along a life purpose path?  I've excavated the treasures that I have gleaned from these unions. The first was to begin a mobile text with the word "Hey"  and three dots ... to denote mystery.  Those three dots have now become my trademark expression.  When in doubt I three dot.  Oh yes, my fascination with a avatar on a social networking site,  led me on journey of discovering my love for the computer.  I never imagined myself a computer person, and here I am spilling the contents of my heart out to you through a blog.  I guess that could be the golden nugget I searched for.

Honestly, in my defence I think I was bored.  For some reason the doorway to my inner wealth of energy was blocked by some childhood experience which I thought I'd dealt with long ago.  What I learnt from these mysterious relationships, was that I needed to do something, or forever be pulled in, and suffer the same consequences.  I needed to unblock the doorway between me and the love thats on the other side of it. I want to be courageous in love and not just in my words.  I bet the Hydra with its three heads is not courageous in love.  The stakes seem high, the rewards low, and it sucks when the object of your affection is  a meanie.  It feels like blah.  Over and over again.  The only reasonable thing to do was to set impossible tasks so noone could find the right combination to my heart.  I thought I'd be safe, but I wasn't.  My heart's been compromised three times this year.  Thats a record number.

So back to the inner wealth of energy scenario.  There is a doorway at the heart which connect to life force directly.   Without the connection to the life force behind the hearts door, one lives a half life.  One subsists on compliments and assurances from others.  When I truly connect with someone, it feels lovely.  I feel refreshed, revived, hopeful, confident, I can start new projects with much love and committment.  The question I posed to myself was:  What do I need to do to produce that same feeling for myself?  How can I get the goods?

That information is for another blog.

I discovered what was awry.  I had given the focus of my attention out of me.  Where attention goes energy flows?  In a desire for a cure, I had reluctantly tried a heart activation which I stumbled upon on default.

 My computer has been stalling lately and restarting and this time I was in a hurry.  So I looked up the first available thing on the page which had remote resemblance to what I was after.  It was a meditation of sorts.  On the first listening I thought I had stumbled in upon some crazy lady,  and felt stupid for being a participant.  With the gentle stirrings of my desperation, I stayed for a while longer and noticed my mood leveling.  Then a quiet lull came across me. 
"Maybe this lady, and her out of tune song, is not so crazy after all?"
When my attention returned to me.  I felt slightly different.  I felt as if I was in my skin for the first time in a long time.  I was aware of my legs taking me into the house, I noticed they were very sexy, my keys turning the lock.  I had been so focused on another's wonderfulness that I didn't stop to recognise my own.  I've decided to value what I have found and see what happens from here. Maybe this love sucks thing was in my best interest after all.  Maybe it was a neccesary step needed to open the door into a much bigger loving life?










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